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The Bionic Woman 2.1 – The Return of Bigfoot (part two)

Happily, our son wasn’t horrified by tonight’s conclusion to this epic two-parter. How could he be? Jaime plays defense against Bigfoot in her two fights much more effectively than Steve does, and doesn’t get thrown like a rag doll against any power converters with exploding sparks everywhere. From the evidence provided by this show, the main strategy one should employ when fighting cyborg sasquatches is to fight them outside. Indoors, you get clobbered.

I tease, but this silly story is a downright masterpiece in writing for under-tens. It has Bigfoot and it has an erupting volcano. Our son was a little leery when we got started, and was really worried about Jaime at first, but then he realized that the villains had moved their headquarters underneath an inactive volcano. He’s savvy enough to realize that in adventure fiction, volcanoes rarely remain inactive for long.

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The Six Million Dollar Man 4.1 – The Return of Bigfoot (part one)

The pre-credits scene revealed that Bigfoot was back, and things looked good. Our son glowed. “He caused so much destruction last time! Don’t you remember all that destruction that he caused?!” But before the hour was up, things would fall apart.

So, famously, the 1976-77 season of the Bionic series opened with a very celebrated crossover, the seventies ABC equivalent of the annual Arrowverse get-together on the CW. The aliens who control Bigfoot have had an uprising, and a gang of them have stolen both the Sasquatch and their wonder drug, and are now pilfering top secret facilities to get the parts they need to build a force field. One of the aliens restores Steve’s memory, he tries to stop Bigfoot alone, fails, finally tells his co-stars, including Jaime, what’s going on, nobody believes him, and he makes another attempt as they go for the last isotope they need.

And Steve Austin gets his ass handed to him. It is a beatdown to remember.

But first, let’s look at just how forward-looking Kenneth Johnson’s story is. This episode is more than just simply crossing over the two shows with the extremely popular Bigfoot. It’s done with some really impressive guest casting. Severn Darden and Stefanie Powers are back from the first Bigfoot story, and they’ve brought Sandy Duncan along as a newly-introduced alien, and the leader of the villains is that omnipresent baddie of seventies teevee, John Saxon. That’s a great cast, and everybody is working hard to sell this silliness. I love the way that the plot of the story is simplicity itself, but explaining all this stuff about hidden aliens and time-dilation devices and Bigfoot is so convoluted and ridiculous that Steve looks completely crazy telling his friends about it. I really like Lindsay Wagner’s acting in this scene; her life is already unbelievable, but this tall tale is pushing it.

Our son was enjoying it even more than I was until that second fight. Again, you have to consider the time and the audience. Television superheroes suffer a lot worse these days with all sorts of blood and bruising, but for a seventies show, in the eyes of a six year old, this is horrifying. Bigfoot’s been amped up by John Saxon, and Steve doesn’t have a prayer. Andre the Giant did not return to the role; Ted Cassidy plays Bigfoot this time out, and he just makes mincemeat of our hero. It finally ends with Steve’s bionic legs being crushed underneath some huge thing or other, which made even me gasp, and that’s with me knowing the grievous injury that we’re going to see Jaime suffer in a few days’ time.

Our son couldn’t bear to watch. He left the room completely with his security blanket, and came back shaking. He was a mess. He curled up on the couch as Dr. Wells gave Steve less than 24 hours to live, and Steve whispered instructions to Jaime, to get help from the aliens. We did our best to assure him that Jaime will save the day. Man, I hope so…

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The Cat From Outer Space (1978)

Even expecting a high degree of silliness from a live-action Disney film, this one’s really silly. I’m not even talking about the premise, in which a highly-evolved cat from a hyper-intelligent civilization who goes by the name of Zunar-J-5-Slash-9-Doric-4-7 – or just “Jake” – gets stuck on Earth for a few days. He asks an unorthodox scientist played by Ken Berry, in possibly predictable casting for a role like this in a ’70s Disney film, to help him repair his ship. Circumstances require Berry’s character to get a little help from some fellow scientists and neighbors, played by Sandy Duncan and McLean Stevenson.

No, what’s really silly and not just a little painful to suffer through is the very broad and very stupid depiction of the bumbling and ridiculous military, as led by Harry Morgan’s General Stilton (“The Big Cheese”). Making the most of his four month break between seasons on M*A*S*H, Morgan takes the sympathetic officer character that he had there and just turns off his brains, playing Stilton without any nuance at all. He’s just a dumb, shouting loudmouth who is worried about “Rooskies” and is surrounded by dingbat subordinates. When the military threat to Jake is resolved by a fairly convenient phone call with the president, it doesn’t just end the plot problem of the military, it made us breathe a sigh of relief because thank heaven that was over with.

It was a bit cute, however, to cast Stevenson and Morgan in the same film. Morgan, of course, replaced Stevenson as the base colonel on M*A*S*H three years previously.

Daniel was actively bothered by the military’s role in the film, and the more the army learned of the cat, his human help, and the cat’s super-technology, the more aggravated he became. It was kind of a weird experience, since typically with films – well, we haven’t watched all that many together so far – he gets a little restless waiting for unusual things to get started. Here, we see Jake using his psychic powers to open doors and manipulate objects very early on, which had him captivated and very amused. Jake is mischievous and not above demonstrating his powers with some slapstick bufoonery. He’s also very much a ladies’ cat and very interested in getting to know the cute white cat that lives with Sandy Duncan.

Duncan gets to shine a little during a scene in a pool hall where the heroes make some wagers to finance the purchase of some gold that Jake needs for his spaceship repairs. It’s a funny scene, but I was disappointed in the huge missed opportunity. The whole movie’s full of great name actors making a few dollars for a couple of days’ filming, including Hans Conreid, Sorrell Booke, and Alan Young, and the pool hall scene is brilliantly cast, with some recognizable faces like Ralph Manza leading a crowd of extras that look so completely perfect, a bunch of sweaty men in horrible clothes looking absolutely like who you’d expect to find in a 1978 pool hall, a bunch of hustlers eager to chomp down on marks like our heroes. But for some weird reason, the director, Norman Tokar, didn’t hire anybody who could actually do any wild trick shots, which would have made the scene much more hilarious. Even when Sarasota Slim sinks everything, it happens offscreen, and all that we do see on the tables is done with special effects.

Interestingly, there’s a secondary threat in this film. Roddy McDowall plays some sort of spy, and while it is implied that his bosses are those “Rooskies” that General Morgan fears, it turns out that he’s in the employ of a guy who’s essentially a James Bond villain called Olympus! But Olympus is only there to move the story into the air for a really good special effects sequence between Olympus’s helicopter and a crumbling, cobwebby biplane that Jake is flying. It’s a very entertaining scene with some great stunt work and flying.

In the end, we were a little disappointed with Daniel’s reaction to the movie. It’s a ’70s Disney film, so the threats are pretty tame and our heroes are never in any real danger, but he responded to every possible problem as though the world would end, when of course each problem is really the launching pad for some slapstick or special effects to get our heroes out of the jam. He’s hit another extra-talkative, extra-questioning phase, and we had to pause the movie twice to explain the small details. We might watch another live-action Disney in a few weeks’ time, and I’m pretty sure that one doesn’t have any mean army men in it to get him so worried. Stay tuned!

(Meanwhile, all this has reminded me that there’s a pool hall in Cordele GA that’s said to sell some really good chili dogs. Maybe one day…)

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